Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
