you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
