I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
