I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
