i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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