it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
