I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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