I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
