Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
