Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
