I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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