I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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