I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
