please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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