can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
