1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
