I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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