thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize