The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
