You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize