I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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