I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
