A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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