my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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