Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
