Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
