You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize