Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
