maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
