He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
