my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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