I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
