Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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