he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
