Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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