I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
