threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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