true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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