I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
