Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
