That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
