Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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