Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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