When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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