I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
