Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
