I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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