I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize