I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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