I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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