Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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