Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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