It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
