I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
