Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
