remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
