did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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